Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mexican word of the day... Bishop. "My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop"

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   Have ya ever notice no one ever post a "If you have a loved one in Hell that you miss, please repost"...

   Well, seems the dude that created Doritos died, Art West was 97 years old, apparently he died of nacho-ral causes....

   I bet the last time you got a piece of ass is when your fingers slipped through the toilet paper!

   I Just Saw two homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard; PILLOW FIGHT?!

   Condoms Prevent Minivans!!

   no matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   Did anyone notice something about Kanye West this week? Yeah, the fool replaced his bottom teeth with diamonds. DIAMONDS. So instead of a loud-mouth retard, he's a loud-mouth retard that sparkles.

   And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

   ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   Thanksgiving leftovers idea #57: Turkey margarita.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did. Brrr...

   Did you know, That if you yell "bloody Mary" 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM ur mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?