Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Enjoying a new drink called the bin laden. 2 shots and a splash of water

   Either you love bacon or you're wrong

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   All I said was .. "Just spread the legs open alittle wider and I'll stuff it in".....Geez thats the last time I try to help stuff a turkey !

   My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?

   Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

   There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....

   I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she has been giving me lately

   Do not assume that one without religion is lacking faith.

   God puts people in my life for a reason... & removes them from my life for a better reason.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.

   and the winner of the best Harlem Shake.......Lil Wayne!

   The Royal baby took so long to come out they are going to name him George Michael

   It's a good thing most mens rooms have changing tables because sometimes I need to lay down after I poop.

   Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.