Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to make a Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twerking

   it safe to comeback? Are the kids back to school yet?

   When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.

   If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   A man was arrested in England for robbing a store not with a gun; but holding a picture of a gun. God it takes courage to be that stupid.

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   At least Herman Cain knows when to pull out......

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy.....

   You actually play with the volume more often when watching porn.