santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   "Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer