Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Cinco de Mayo! Viva Tequila!! Just cause me and Mr. Cuervo don't always get along, doesn't me we won't be Tangoing the night away! Fiesta !!!

   wondering how gas prices go UP after a hurricane, but go DOWN when there is oil leaking all ove the Gulf Of Mexico?

   I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! Nope, it's just not working...

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   you know your getting older when your underwear creeps up on you... and you kinda enjoy it...

   LIFE; It's one damned thing after another

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   a single father of about 4 million kids swimming around fighting to make it to their mother's egg

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.

   Lawyers talk how Doctors write.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.