Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

   myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   Well....thats the last time I mow the lawn naked...

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   It's so hot outside! I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.

   sufferring from two different mental disorders: OCD, and extreme laziness. it's an ever-present conflict. The will to maintain order vs the desire to not do a single thing about it.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.

   Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.