Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.

   The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.

   What if the 12/21/12 is the day Winrar trial period ends?

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.

   Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.