Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

   I’ll apologize for being late to your wedding after you apologize for inviting me.

   Sleeping much better now that the Burger King mascot is off the air.

   Jim of all trades was also versatile though not as well known.

   Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman's insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.

   I'm going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   Look,,, all I'm saying is I've never seen Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner in the same room.

   to all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

   I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

   Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   needs to stop listening what people are telling him to do and start focusing on what he really wants in life..... pie!

   Local cemetery raises cost of burials, blames "cost of living".

   Adding the word "haha" to make the statement not so serious.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it would not be too useful in a combat situation.

   singing, "Nah-nah-nah nah. Nah-nah-nah nah. Hey, hey-hey. Goodbye!"