Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   Does anyone know if they have early morning looting hours for us seniors?

   How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   Apparently people in Texas are not taking Hurricane Harvey seriously....well duh, what kind of stupid name is that?....We need to ghetto it up....like "Hurricane Shaniqua"....she will rip your weave out just for looking at her.

   Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.

   ..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   If by white privilege you mean knowing all the words to Dancing Queen ... then yeah. I’ve got that.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

   No matter where I go, everyone is always like, “Hey how did you get past security?”

   All women are Bi. It’s your job to guess whether it’s sexual or polar.

   Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.

   Wife: Promise me, you'll let my mom ride in the first car with you at my funeral. Husband: OK, but it'll ruin my day.

   enough with the Marty McFly posts! George Carlin traveled back from the year 2688 to help out Bill and Ted but you don't see me posting about it!

   Common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.