Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember how simple and happy life was before you met me? Yeah…I am sorry about that.

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Abracadabra!! Nope. Your still a fucktard.

   The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.

   if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!

   The harder you fall..... the higher you bounce!!

   No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   One of God's greatest pranks would be to leave Rihanna behind as the 'only girl in the world' on saturday.

   If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing grandfather clocks into an image search.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .

   ...... No people ... the change in governmental administrations is not a sane reason to descend into a real life "Hunger Games" in this country .... Believe it or not it has actually happened before!!

   My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)

   When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.