Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...no money, pretty stressed, freezing cold and running nose!

   Women never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back

   why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!

   thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn

   Do I got stupid written on my wall..

   it just me or does anyone else translate the sticker "Student Driver" as "Please Screw With Me"...??????

   just because you take a picture of a lawn chair, make it black and white, and write 'Summer 09' on it doesn't make you an artist.

   I believe in taking the bull by the horns. Then I believe in steering it in the direction of whoever is bugging me.

   Oh God! Please teach me to appreciate what I have, before time forces me to appreciate what I had

   Flavor Flav turns 51 today. He'll spend a quiet day at home, still resting up after a weekend of moving all his clocks forward.

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   I wonder if Halloween is like a night off for prostitutes, since so many women are dressed like that, who can tell who's the real deal?

   Do you realize that in about 40-50 years, nursing homes will be filled with old ladies with tramp stamps over their butts? I don't want to even think about the piercings.

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

   Does anyone know when the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony is set for Ferguson this year?

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?