Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.

   So if I get a job at Walmart, do I pull my own teeth out, or does it happen during orientation?

   Roses are red, violets are blue. A bag of weed is cheaper than a dinner for two.

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   I can already tell by the way your son throws a baseball that he is going to love baseball. ................players.

   This just in...Goerge Zimmerman resues cat from tree!!

   Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.

   if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, then have we found the perfect location for a nickelback concert

   30 years ago my wife got a tattoo of a horse head on her boob, it now looks like a giraffe

   LinkedIn, a second version of Facebook but with more annoying, insecure, low intelligent, attention seeker people- children- with irksome personality types that should stay away from computers.

   Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I'm behind you 100%

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby"

   If you're agruing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

   Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left?..

   Dear Protesting Egyptians: Please do not destroy the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Sincerely, the Jews

   "I gotta feeling... that tonight's gonna hurt the Black Eyed Peas"