Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's drink tequila till you don't remember what I suggest next..

   super excited cause In 21st century relationships.. you can touch each other's private parts BUT you can't touch each other's cell phones because they are PRIVATE!

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide

   H R Clinton Deleted/Destroyed over 33,000 Emails AFTER being ordered to surrender her Private Server & ALL contents to Authorities. Because she deleted the emails Clinton is disqualified from holding public office under U.S. Code Title 18, Section 2071

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   KFC's new Double-Down sandwich was just introduced for $4.99...For an extra .99 cents a KFC employee will cut out the middleman altogether and lean over the counter and stab you in the friggin' heart!!

   If PETA really cared about animals then why is it that PETA never protested about rat killers?

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you re on

   wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, go ahead & put me in a top hat. .

   Always hold your girlfriend/wife's hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!.

   I can't believe I paid $6 for diahrea thanks Taco Bell!

   Motels....Because you and your hooker deserve better than the backseat of some car.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.