Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Someday, I hope to be able to afford an the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.
←Rate | 09-05-2011 11:47 by Mick F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 
←Rate | 04-21-2011 21:56 by Surge Yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon Check this one out.........1
←Rate | 09-13-2011 18:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure the asshole that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
←Rate | 01-05-2011 08:17 by Derek Comments (1)  

   messageicon So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.
←Rate | 12-26-2011 16:39 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'
←Rate | 07-22-2012 11:20 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
←Rate | 11-30-2012 04:58 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.
←Rate | 08-22-2011 16:22 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"
←Rate | 02-05-2010 22:07 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...
←Rate | 10-10-2009 21:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanna steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase cuz I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck
←Rate | 08-02-2011 10:15 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 16:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"
←Rate | 03-10-2010 15:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 by Samir Momin Comments (4)  

   messageicon The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."
←Rate | 03-31-2010 12:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
←Rate | 07-30-2009 00:15 by David B Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian on Twitter: "Casey Anthony not guilty? I am speechless!" Someone replied: "So was Nicole Brown's family when your dad got OJ off".
←Rate | 07-05-2011 23:20 by Jeff W Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!
←Rate | 02-15-2012 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”
←Rate | 05-06-2012 04:25 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

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