Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...

   Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?

   Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.

   Relationship status: Would get in the van

   Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...

   People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD

   Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.