Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 16:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
←Rate | 04-23-2011 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.
←Rate | 05-02-2011 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.
←Rate | 06-17-2011 18:15 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you
←Rate | 09-02-2011 04:17 by flinnie Comments (3)  

   messageicon Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.
←Rate | 08-18-2010 12:40 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?
←Rate | 03-17-2010 12:01 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.
←Rate | 09-26-2010 20:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....
←Rate | 10-17-2010 15:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...
←Rate | 04-07-2010 11:39 by Samir Momin Comments (1)  

   messageicon My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
←Rate | 07-15-2014 04:37 by andrew jackson Comments (3)  

   messageicon my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."
←Rate | 11-27-2011 09:49 by @cdowney84 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?
←Rate | 08-11-2011 15:01 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"
←Rate | 09-07-2011 08:48 by Mick F Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.
←Rate | 04-28-2010 13:33 by BP Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 16:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....
←Rate | 03-22-2010 18:27 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..
←Rate | 09-08-2010 22:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!
←Rate | 11-13-2015 08:06 by Keith Comments (0)  

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