Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 16:27 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”
←Rate | 05-06-2012 04:25 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
←Rate | 04-02-2011 18:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.
←Rate | 09-25-2012 21:59 by Daniel Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!
←Rate | 02-04-2010 10:19 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since the hottest chicks always seem to date the biggest assholes I wonder if, "come here, bit@h" would be an effective pick-up line.
←Rate | 04-05-2010 11:34 by Randizzle Comments (0)  

   messageicon Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...
←Rate | 11-15-2011 00:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.
←Rate | 07-08-2011 14:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.
←Rate | 06-13-2011 21:32 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.
←Rate | 02-08-2011 11:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?
←Rate | 05-03-2011 07:40 by man_9 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.
←Rate | 12-30-2012 15:28 by Ortega Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....
←Rate | 01-12-2013 00:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+
←Rate | 05-01-2013 01:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
←Rate | 07-30-2013 22:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.
←Rate | 04-16-2010 22:27 by RandomGirlie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 23:11 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
←Rate | 09-16-2010 20:16 Comments (15)  

   messageicon An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
←Rate | 12-17-2010 22:37 by Me Comments (0)  

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