Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.
←Rate | 05-03-2010 10:13 by Leeferd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:05 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  

   messageicon I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"
←Rate | 12-27-2010 22:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..
←Rate | 01-11-2011 16:44 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
←Rate | 06-30-2014 01:48 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.
←Rate | 08-25-2014 15:12 by jenngren Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
←Rate | 12-09-2014 16:02 by Nipper Comments (1)  

   messageicon Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
←Rate | 12-16-2014 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
←Rate | 01-22-2015 11:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles
←Rate | 02-06-2015 10:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
←Rate | 03-19-2015 14:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags and not tell you what you did. "You know what you did"
←Rate | 04-10-2015 11:58 by rwconspirator Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
←Rate | 04-22-2015 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....
←Rate | 01-02-2014 19:44 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful
←Rate | 09-30-2015 05:48 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.
←Rate | 11-15-2015 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 20:18 by CJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
←Rate | 09-25-2013 10:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forget everything you know about amnesia.
←Rate | 10-07-2013 18:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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