Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
←Rate | 01-25-2011 17:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently you have been misinformed, because the ONLY advantage you have over me is... you can "kiss my ass" and I cant...
←Rate | 08-21-2009 04:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.
←Rate | 04-23-2012 08:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.
←Rate | 05-25-2012 13:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
←Rate | 11-20-2011 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
←Rate | 11-30-2011 12:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 16:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 01:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
←Rate | 07-16-2011 20:49 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.
←Rate | 07-27-2011 14:06 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."
←Rate | 05-14-2011 13:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?
←Rate | 06-09-2011 15:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
←Rate | 06-14-2011 20:35 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you Pringles┬« for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.
←Rate | 01-28-2013 01:39 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?
←Rate | 10-26-2012 14:13 by Danmanz Comments (2)  

   messageicon If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?
←Rate | 09-18-2012 12:23 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.
←Rate | 09-26-2012 04:25 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"
←Rate | 11-14-2010 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 87x/59(1 x)=(18*7x)*(67-x).....f*ck this, I'm going to be a stripper.
←Rate | 07-10-2010 13:20 by GoraN Comments (0)  

   messageicon For every LIKE I receive. I shall drink one Jager-Bomb (Jagermeister + Redbull)
←Rate | 08-11-2010 14:14 by ANGELA Comments (1)  

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