Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 132 of 5684

   messageicon I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
←Rate | 10-19-2012 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...
←Rate | 09-03-2012 12:09 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
←Rate | 10-06-2012 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
←Rate | 12-27-2012 08:17 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.
←Rate | 02-03-2013 13:06 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.
←Rate | 11-26-2012 21:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
←Rate | 05-02-2013 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.
←Rate | 05-06-2013 14:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?
←Rate | 05-08-2013 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.
←Rate | 06-15-2013 10:33 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.
←Rate | 06-21-2013 09:46 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
←Rate | 07-06-2013 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”
←Rate | 08-03-2013 01:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (3)  

   messageicon If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.
←Rate | 08-19-2013 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The media is a weapon of mass destruction....
←Rate | 09-03-2013 15:49 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.
←Rate | 08-28-2012 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
←Rate | 03-12-2013 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."
←Rate | 10-01-2011 13:07 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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