Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.