Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.