Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 15:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.
←Rate | 10-12-2012 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?
←Rate | 03-05-2013 21:47 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
←Rate | 03-24-2012 10:20 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
←Rate | 10-31-2010 15:32 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.
←Rate | 01-23-2010 17:29 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
←Rate | 12-15-2011 09:42 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
←Rate | 08-23-2011 14:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.
←Rate | 05-31-2011 23:39 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
←Rate | 10-06-2011 22:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!
←Rate | 09-25-2010 13:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....
←Rate | 04-07-2010 15:35 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.
←Rate | 03-02-2013 01:42 by Anita2010 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.
←Rate | 04-08-2013 01:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
←Rate | 07-21-2012 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....
←Rate | 07-26-2012 07:06 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!
←Rate | 12-30-2012 08:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?
←Rate | 01-02-2012 20:38 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.
←Rate | 04-14-2010 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
←Rate | 02-11-2010 05:39 by chris Comments (0)  

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