Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.
←Rate | 03-07-2012 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
←Rate | 02-10-2013 18:27 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.
←Rate | 04-02-2013 17:46 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"
←Rate | 07-16-2013 17:27 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 01:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
←Rate | 09-01-2013 15:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
←Rate | 08-07-2012 08:52 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...
←Rate | 02-05-2013 11:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
←Rate | 02-06-2013 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ
←Rate | 09-10-2012 02:29 by xi0n Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.
←Rate | 09-22-2012 10:48 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?
←Rate | 09-26-2012 14:10 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...
←Rate | 10-03-2012 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.
←Rate | 11-04-2012 23:30 by peter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital
←Rate | 11-12-2012 19:46 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"
←Rate | 02-17-2011 20:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50
←Rate | 01-01-2011 09:00 by @psym0niedk9 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!
←Rate | 05-13-2011 13:56 by mmzzain Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
←Rate | 08-01-2011 20:24 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

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