Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please feel free to call me anytime after ten, that's when I put my phone on silent.

   I wonder if this Margarita counts as my daily serving of fruit...

   Some of your timelines are my morning paper.

   You're not nearly as obsessed with me as you should be.

   The day I grow up will be the day that I die.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   I've known myself for 30 years. How am I still able to convince myself that I can remember things without writing them down right away?

   The best part about "liking" someones status on Facebook is all 97 notifications for the conversation below between you and your friends.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".

   Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..

   feels like a TSA agent stuffing this turkey...

   The best feeling of the day is getting into bed, the worst feeling of the day is getting out of bed.

   refuses to spring forward....If I am not there in an hour, then you come looking for me.

   The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you!

   Did you say somthing, or did your brain fart..