Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, she needs a glucose guardian.

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast