Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.

   I've been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.

   it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.

   Compromising with a woman doesn't mean you are wrong and she is right.. . it only means that Sex is more important than your Ego

   The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   wonders if Cash4Gold would give me money for a bottle of Goldschlager!

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.