Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.

   Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

   I always wanted to read other people's minds, well now there's facebook where everyone just thinks out loud. Thank you facebook, the future is here.

   "Nice Beaver." Simple, yet effective. RIP Leslie Nielsen. Your classic comedy movies will continue to make us laugh.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.