Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a Smoothie.

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently, like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respec

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I go to Walmart , then I feel better

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   I am living vicariously through myself...

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   I'm getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.

   Ladies; Ke$ha has a perfume out…in case any of you want to smell like vodka soaked glitter, and crippling regret.

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   I'll be glad when the people on the funny side of the world wake up

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away