Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single doesn't mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes, its wiser to be alone than with the wrong damn person.

   Nothing morally bankrupt about homosexuality, Obama said it was okay.

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   There is nothing better than putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer! I even like to scan the laundramat to try and figure out who they belong to!!!

   Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; "What the hell are you doing?"

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO.....

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   this plave sucks now. I miss the glory days in 2008-2010 when only the chosen few knew about it..good bye all

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??

   I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   My sleep number is Bacardi 151

   My ex called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. That should make her wonder a little bit...

   Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!

   At the Bar, going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home..

   why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?