Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.

   Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".

   Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.

   My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.

   Will World War III begin before or after Christmas? Because I don't want to buy presents for nothing.

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.

   Women- God’s version of Rubik cube.

   Kim Kardashian got her hair cut short today....... I hope it doesn't make her A$$ look to big.....

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook

   Tonight I'm getting more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree.

   Stevie Wonder says the dress is black, but then again everything is black to him.

   Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn't come.

   Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of the Transformers.