Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   SOPA and PIPA tried to attack your 1st amendment. CISPA will attack your 4th amendment....if you let "them" of course

   While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.

   There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   I hate when you think you have one last piece of jerky left in the bag and it ends up being the silicone freshness packet!!

   Science Question: How do stars die? Drugs normally

   I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.

   Why does Hollywood believe a self destruct button is a completely logical feature on spaceships?

   Spank someone today. You'll both feel better.

   If I ever get off this couch, I'll be unstoppable

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy

   "I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something." -Ron Swanson

   Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.

   So Lindsay Lohan has to work in the morgue now, maybe she can look for her career while she's there.

   Did you make it home safely? "No, I died 35 times

   I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.

   Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

   Being in prison and being married are alike in many ways except in prison there is a lot more sex.