Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
←Rate | 05-19-2011 14:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
←Rate | 02-08-2011 19:14 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
←Rate | 02-16-2012 10:28 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
←Rate | 02-21-2012 12:46 by Maureen Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.
←Rate | 11-30-2011 23:25 by poc Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
←Rate | 06-06-2012 05:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA
←Rate | 01-05-2012 09:58 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?
←Rate | 01-19-2012 17:50 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 19:36 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”
←Rate | 05-23-2012 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?
←Rate | 12-08-2011 20:42 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
←Rate | 12-10-2011 06:02 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 02:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
←Rate | 02-14-2012 16:14 by chris Comments (0)  

   messageicon I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
←Rate | 03-05-2012 09:53 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.
←Rate | 03-26-2012 18:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.
←Rate | 04-03-2012 10:42 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
←Rate | 06-04-2012 14:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?
←Rate | 06-18-2012 13:04 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

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