Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 22:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar
←Rate | 03-10-2018 04:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision
←Rate | 03-23-2018 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
←Rate | 05-31-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.
←Rate | 07-26-2017 21:19 by BigToe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
←Rate | 08-16-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
←Rate | 09-05-2017 11:10 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.
←Rate | 09-11-2017 09:13 by Zach Comments (0)  

   messageicon Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....
←Rate | 09-12-2017 18:36 by scstarman Comments (0)  

   messageicon 911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 21:54 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse
←Rate | 09-16-2017 14:45 Comments (1)  

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