Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.
←Rate | 05-06-2012 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 01:17 by @Seddy90 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
←Rate | 05-09-2013 22:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!
←Rate | 12-19-2012 16:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.
←Rate | 07-14-2010 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz
←Rate | 06-06-2011 13:26 by Jason Biaza Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."
←Rate | 03-04-2011 11:21 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."
←Rate | 03-22-2012 10:11 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Everytime I hear the dirty word "excercise", I wash my mouth with chocolate.....
←Rate | 02-05-2010 11:32 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?
←Rate | 04-12-2010 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two
←Rate | 03-30-2011 08:25 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!
←Rate | 02-10-2011 17:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
←Rate | 12-07-2012 08:37 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
←Rate | 09-26-2012 14:23 by Czovczov Comments (2)  

   messageicon Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.
←Rate | 11-30-2010 23:23 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!
←Rate | 12-27-2010 15:27 by Heather25 Comments (3)  

   messageicon The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
←Rate | 09-23-2013 05:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.
←Rate | 01-23-2012 11:04 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.
←Rate | 06-10-2012 18:48 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.
←Rate | 08-30-2011 06:38 by JBabcock Comments (0)  

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