Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 127 of 5705

   messageicon Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
←Rate | 10-14-2013 20:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.
←Rate | 12-20-2013 14:12 by Kal Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.
←Rate | 02-19-2015 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.
←Rate | 06-04-2011 22:59 by Surge Yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."
←Rate | 03-06-2011 10:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"
←Rate | 03-28-2011 20:25 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."
←Rate | 08-10-2011 10:13 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
←Rate | 08-13-2011 13:36 by SuthernFukr Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 08:34 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."
←Rate | 01-30-2011 21:04 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...
←Rate | 02-05-2011 12:07 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...
←Rate | 12-26-2011 23:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.
←Rate | 01-22-2012 10:23 by DH Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.
←Rate | 05-18-2012 20:16 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month
←Rate | 04-10-2012 18:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 20:15 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.
←Rate | 01-29-2013 17:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
←Rate | 11-29-2012 17:47 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?
←Rate | 09-18-2012 20:45 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 01:29 by Lewis S. Comments (1)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left