Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.
←Rate | 05-21-2010 03:46 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.
←Rate | 08-16-2010 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.
←Rate | 09-05-2010 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.
←Rate | 09-22-2010 22:49 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.
←Rate | 10-13-2010 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
←Rate | 01-25-2010 16:37 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.
←Rate | 01-28-2010 03:43 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.
←Rate | 03-24-2010 15:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 19:36 by BEGO Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.
←Rate | 11-11-2011 08:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.
←Rate | 11-21-2011 09:15 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...
←Rate | 02-19-2012 03:26 by totalpackage Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.
←Rate | 06-03-2012 13:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."
←Rate | 06-07-2012 21:50 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costumeā€¦.
←Rate | 06-11-2012 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Karma is like a can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!
←Rate | 03-07-2012 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off
←Rate | 03-22-2012 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"
←Rate | 04-01-2012 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL
←Rate | 04-07-2012 08:03 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?
←Rate | 01-01-2012 01:36 Comments (0)  

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