Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.