Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.