Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
←Rate | 10-30-2012 15:45 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
←Rate | 08-12-2009 00:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.
←Rate | 12-15-2010 04:57 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......
←Rate | 01-08-2011 21:52 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...
←Rate | 02-04-2010 23:20 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:18 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?
←Rate | 03-22-2010 02:30 by KG Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
←Rate | 05-05-2014 10:53 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
←Rate | 02-01-2012 09:33 by SuthernFukr Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..
←Rate | 11-21-2011 15:13 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  

   messageicon During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!
←Rate | 12-25-2011 01:03 by Nate004 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat
←Rate | 01-19-2012 10:44 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
←Rate | 09-15-2011 15:37 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
←Rate | 10-13-2011 10:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:00 by RUDEDOG Comments (0)  

   messageicon The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
←Rate | 05-29-2011 04:55 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
←Rate | 05-17-2011 16:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?
←Rate | 08-08-2012 13:25 Comments (3)  

   messageicon After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"
←Rate | 03-19-2013 08:23 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.
←Rate | 09-14-2012 08:49 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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