Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.