Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."
←Rate | 08-10-2011 10:13 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
←Rate | 08-13-2011 13:36 by SuthernFukr Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 08:34 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."
←Rate | 01-30-2011 21:04 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...
←Rate | 02-05-2011 12:07 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...
←Rate | 12-26-2011 23:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.
←Rate | 01-22-2012 10:23 by DH Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.
←Rate | 05-18-2012 20:16 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month
←Rate | 04-10-2012 18:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?
←Rate | 03-06-2013 07:06 by flinnie Comments (1)  

   messageicon Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..
←Rate | 03-13-2013 14:09 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
←Rate | 11-29-2012 17:47 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 01:29 by Lewis S. Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 20:15 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.
←Rate | 01-29-2013 17:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?
←Rate | 09-18-2012 20:45 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
←Rate | 09-22-2012 11:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
←Rate | 10-15-2012 20:57 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!
←Rate | 10-19-2012 10:13 by StonerDudee Comments (3)  

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