Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
←Rate | 07-15-2015 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.
←Rate | 07-22-2015 10:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport
←Rate | 11-01-2015 08:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..
←Rate | 12-28-2013 11:01 by EF Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.
←Rate | 01-23-2014 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...
←Rate | 03-10-2016 09:19 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.
←Rate | 05-06-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:57 by griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
←Rate | 11-18-2013 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!
←Rate | 11-19-2013 20:07 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.
←Rate | 11-27-2013 12:03 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.
←Rate | 06-27-2014 14:15 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.
←Rate | 06-30-2014 01:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
←Rate | 07-11-2014 05:17 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:49 by smeebert Comments (0)  

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