Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.
←Rate | 10-03-2010 15:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
←Rate | 10-19-2010 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.
←Rate | 01-11-2010 11:04 by bot Comments (0)  

   messageicon just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:03 by ANGELA Comments (0)  

   messageicon I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
←Rate | 09-29-2013 02:19 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...
←Rate | 01-05-2015 22:22 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.
←Rate | 09-09-2014 15:16 by Mark M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.
←Rate | 10-20-2011 10:26 by Pig Benis Comments (0)  

   messageicon It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.
←Rate | 02-12-2012 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."
←Rate | 01-01-2012 07:48 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.
←Rate | 03-25-2012 08:42 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."
←Rate | 09-19-2011 11:15 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"
←Rate | 09-30-2011 10:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
←Rate | 04-28-2011 20:01 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!
←Rate | 02-09-2011 12:26 by Tommy Chevelle Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.
←Rate | 06-27-2013 14:52 by truebeachbabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 19:58 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.
←Rate | 12-22-2012 00:19 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 07:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 14:00 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

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