Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.