Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall

   Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.