Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.