Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day

   not sitting at home praying, he is out somewhere being prayed for!

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   I wish I could be as happy as stupid people.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   If I'm going to be last on your list, then you can go ahead and just take me off of the list...

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.

   Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...

   Captain Coward's excuse that he "fell into a lifeboat" is heading into "the dog ate my homework" territory.....Don'y you think?

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos?

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."