Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious!

   Who the hell still calls in to request a song on the radio?

   "Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day

   not sitting at home praying, he is out somewhere being prayed for!

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   2 things that don't mix Ray Lewis and the dark.

   You say "guy friend" but what I really am is a very patient, milquetoast, khakis wearing dude hoping to catch you at your most horniest.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.

   Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...

   Captain Coward's excuse that he "fell into a lifeboat" is heading into "the dog ate my homework" territory.....Don'y you think?

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   Sharks kill about 5 people yearly, vending machines kill 23. Do I really want that bag of Doritos?