Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you'll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?

   I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   Thanksgiving is a day when we pause to give thanks for the things we have.....MEMORIAL DAY is a day when we pause to give thanks to the people who fought for the things we have.

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know that all sales don't have to be final.

   BREAKING NEWS: Florida 1st state of the union to legalize murder..

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial where the actress is sitting in bed crying with a half eaten snickers in her mouth!

   It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"

   Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.

   feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.

   There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego.

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.

   Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.