Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a kid wearing crocs. Wow if you hate your kid that much just put him up for adoption you don't have to make him suffer like that.

   Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

   how does taking a bath get me clean when the first 2 things in the water are my feet and a ss??

   Looks like Jerry Sandusky is still screwing kids(players) at Penn State even after he's gone!

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.

   I sleep better naked... why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Did you know…As a farmer, George Washington grew marijuana on his farm at Mount Vernon and promoted it's growth. (In the 1790s, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial value as hemp and for soil stabilization.) Anyway, Happy Presidents' Day!

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

   "I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason

   Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and then I welcome her to Walmart.

   who keeps posting all these lameo spongebob jokes please stop your wasting space for the good stuff thats put here daily

   It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.

   If you don't have a love in your life, don't worry. If you keep living a life with no regrets, either your love will come or someone will regret living their life without you.

   I can't believe someone actually went through all the trouble to create a fake Facebook profile, complete with fake photos, fake friends and fake status updates just so they could befriend and stalk me. I don't know whether to feel honored or terrifie

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of our Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..