Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...