Funny Status Messages
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using Scotch Blue Painter's tape instead of Duct Tape because she wants it rough, yet romantic. 
I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes
Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.
So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.
She was my world, until I found another planet.
dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome
Sequestering a sandwich.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"
You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!
Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann
What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...
Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.
If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.
I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.
Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.
My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers..... 