Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   I just got a call from the NFL office...they must have gotten wind of that 1 flag football game I ref'd in 2002

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   I lost the bar trivia last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is , Fiji......

   thinks snowfall should be measured in school and business cancelations.

   You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."

   Doing the old....how many woman have I slept with count....God I hate fractions

   The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have.

   The ski racks on my car say I'm fun, adventurous, and can't figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.

   Now I lay me down to sleep... one less terrorist this world does keep... with all my heart I give my thanks... to those in uniform regardless of ranks... you serve our country and serve it well... with humble hearts your stories tell... so as I rest my we

   Learning from water. "Adjust yourself in every situation & in any shape", But Most importantly always find out your "own way to flow..."

   The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

   Now we have no excuse to go overseas for foreign oil.. Back To The Future 2 had it right...We should be using Mr. Fusion as a source of power and energy by now! >_<

   "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.", Ernest Hemingway

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everybody remembers it except you.

   looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Facebook.

   TSA tagline: One man's junk is another man's treasure.