Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “One shot, one kill, one apology.” - Canadian Sniper.

   They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one... Susan

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.

   Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

   To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.

   Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   I think people can be politically correct all they want. As long as they shut the f#ck up about it. . .

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free costs a lot more.

   I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.

   What channel is the Cowboy game on? I want to watch it with my dog to teach her how to roll over and play dead.

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   I can party much longer than my cell phone battery.

   I overheard an old dude at the bar tell the bartender not to put ice in his drink because 'you'll bruise the scotch' Changed my life.