Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0

   If you figure me out I want an explanation.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   I think Taylor Swift's song "Shake It Off" is a great potty training tool for boys

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.

   The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

   A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.

   Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

   "Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.

   i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"