Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

   i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi

   sometimes I feel like a crayon in a box full of markers...

   One thing I've learned: I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?

   Confucious says Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   My biggest fear used to be getting sick and dying, now it's of me dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

   I wish I was you so I could hang around with me

   You're not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   drinking. I have my cellphone on me and it has facebook on it. I appoligize in advance and will delete my wall posts as soon as I wake up.

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez

   Patience is not a virtue, its a waste of time.