Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   By massage you meant sex, right?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.

   I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.

   Hey punk with the old run-down beefed up car with the spoiler that's WAY too big....when you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop light, don't be surprised when I make you work for it....

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   Snowman hunting is good training for the zombie apocalypse.

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.