Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a facebook account & a bottle of booze ...

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results

   If everyone "resolves" to not care about the Kardashians in 2012 do you think they'll go away?

   What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   What's the over under on how many times the Bodyguard is on the next few weeks??

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   In the garage looking at my step ladder - wondering why my real ladder left me when I was only five.

   My Motto in a Relationship is : "You Take Care Of Me, And I'll Take Care Of US"