Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If everyone "resolves" to not care about the Kardashians in 2012 do you think they'll go away?

   What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   What's the over under on how many times the Bodyguard is on the next few weeks??

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   In the garage looking at my step ladder - wondering why my real ladder left me when I was only five.

   My Motto in a Relationship is : "You Take Care Of Me, And I'll Take Care Of US"

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.

   I'm sure you will find someone nice. But You can't shake the wh0re tree and hope an angel falls out...

   I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

   I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   Teacher: "What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?" Smartass: "Pull down its genes."