Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   One poll out this morning declares Bidens Dentist was the winner in last nights debate

   Let me know when you're off your Man-Period!!!

   Glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Most people are going to hell, no doubt...but some of you will be used as firewood.

   So thankful for Facebook! Otherwise I would have to call 563 people every morning to let them know that I just ate breakfast

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   the only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.

   Instead of porn I just watch tennis with my eyes closed,,:~/

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   You know when you need a new pillow when you can fold yours into fourths.

   walking in the mall today..saw a kid with 4 lip rings..suddenly had an urge to hang a shower curtain.

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)