Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's how it works. You have $ex, then nine months later you give birth. Seven years later, you flood my newsfeed with countless pics of these little "geniuses" who, in reality, are average at best.

   This world is in bad shape. Education would be nice or maybe just learning to spell before you put your thought into the public forum.......What the hell is a "ceeling fan"?

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

   SAY ''I won a math debate'' really fast & click the like button if you get it

   Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...

   America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   My wife told me that a friend of hers gets smacked abound by her husband. Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once. "That's what I love about you," I said. She said, "What do you mean?" I replied, "You learnn from your mistakes."

   Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I'm bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please

   dreams of the day a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned...

   may have Memory Loss but, at least he doesn't have Memory Loss

   who is the biggest prostitute alive? Mrs. pacman , because for 25 cents that bi*ch will swallow balls until she dies!

   wondering if he can grow weed on farmville and sell it on mafia wars........Moscow....

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   In an effort to clear the streets of Ferguson, Mo, local authorities have hired the services of Tony Stewart

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?

   An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.