Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To-Do List : Nothing[✓]

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

   No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   going to make a to do list... whos name should I start out with first?

   When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."

   Why is it that the same people who are upset about a sports announcer named Robert Lee were perfectly OK with a president whose middle name was Hussein?

   For English: Press 1, Para Espanol: Move to mexico...

   I remember 2009 just like it was yesterday...

   Finally got Laid... And you all thought It would never happen!

   reckons alcohol contains female hormones, think about it after drinking 1) Mens speak unnecessarily 2)become very over emotionall 3)drive badly 4)stop thinking 5)FIGHT FOR NOTHING ;

   madder than a Keebler elf being demoted to fudge packer.

   Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. The Queen says, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron!

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"