Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I demand a “That's what she said” button be added to Facebook

   When will women ever learn? If I pay all your bills, put a roof over your head, make sure you are well fed and dressed, buy you a car so you can move around, then the term INDEPENDENT WOMAN does not apply to you. I am your majority shareholder.

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   Thankyou, slow walking family in front of me on the foothpath, No please, take your time.... and definately spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.

   porn + cheetos = orange pecker

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   I was going to post a couple jokes about the unemployed, but none of them work.

   If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis.

   "I spent our entire relationship trying to change the man he was all the way until I broke up with him for not being the same man I met and fell in love with" ~ Women

   My Saturday is going really good until I realized its Sunday

   Hillary Clinton may become the first F president. Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.

   When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   I went to Walmart twice today. Once for groceries. Once because I just wanted to feel pretty but didn't want to get out of my pajamas.

   It's pure comedy to watch Kim & Kourtney complain about paparazzi when they get paid to have cameras follow them for the reality show.

   Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.