Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.

   I know I'm drunk when it takes me longer than three seconds to figure out what's happening when I walk through a fan blowing air at me

   likes to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.

   hates being asked if I've had any "past experience." Is there any other kind?

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice..

   Drive careful studies show that 89% of all people are caused by accidents

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   People who gossip need to get their own life, those who listen and believe it need to get a life.

   True friends stab you in the front!