Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   on this Valentine's Day...Please don't make me choose between you and porn...

   had a go on one of those fairground stalls where you shoot a duck and you win a prize . I noticed if you aim the gun at the owner of the stall you get all the prizes

   So all men suck huh? Well After awhile, the picker needs to realize its on them for always picking out the bad apples from the orchard.

   "Why didn't you answer my phone call?" Oh, sorry I was dancing to the ringtone

   Someone quoted me incorrectly on Twitter again. I *HATE* it when I get mistweeted.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too.

   Amazing in the same week he finds his birth certificate and bin Laden

   Osama may be dead.. but hes still blowing up my newsfeed

   says Sticks and Stones may break my bones but Political Correctness is Killing Me >-<

   Kim Kardasian is marrying a player on the New Jersey Nets. At least someone on that team is scoring!

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   When men lie, it's to avoid an argument. When women lie, it's to ruin lives.

   guessing the men on the jury were confused when they were asked if they wanted to get Casey off

   the bigger the sunglasses, the uglier the face

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   I just saw my episode of cops on television. Damn I'm fast.

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!