Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   Before we die of corona, anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me?

   Don't care about nudes, send me a video of you washing your hands

   Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.