Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only had sex with him to get something else out of him, but it failed'

   If your teacher puts 2x + 5x2 ÷ -8 + 21 on the board & tells you to "solve the problem"...get up, & erase the board. problem solved b*tch

   there has to be a woman out there thinking to herself right now..." man I wish someone would pick me up like a bowling ball"

   I like my women how I like my coffee, between my legs as I drive.

   I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore.

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough.

   I feel sorry for Justin Bieber, everyone picks on her.

   Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   Come on now, this is not a politics platform. This used to be a fun place dammit.

   Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? And we were the butt of aliens' jokes, i.e. "You're stupid as an Earthling."

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   it just me or does anybody else find it weird that the Mets took out a $40 million dollar loan from Bank of America. Considering that they play at Citi Field????

   In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!

   Ladies: Your face is not a coloring book, so please go easy on the makeup.