Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.

   Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.

   : I've decided that when I get to superstar status, I will not have a security guard. I will have a ninja.

   Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.

   can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?

   Don't slap my ass then apologize.