Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,

   Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

   How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?

   I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.

   : I've decided that when I get to superstar status, I will not have a security guard. I will have a ninja.

   Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.

   can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?

   Don't slap my ass then apologize.

   Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   1.Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

   Don't be upset if she preferred someone else, it's difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas...

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?

   If our Government shuts down how much Electricity will we save?

   Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!