Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.

   Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I think 32,000 of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant-suit purchases.

   Rihanna says chains and whips excite her, I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   cops, just another branch of the American of skin head society

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.

   what are the bumps around a womans nipples for?it's braille for "suck here"

   F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.

   I wish google would stop saving my searches. My girlfriend googled Apples the other day and with just the letter A, Google suggested Asian Ass Porn.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.

   I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.

   To everybody that is single don't worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   an hour back for daylight savingss ?? well good.... atleast the clock in my car will finally be right again.

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   It looks like cupid saw his shadow again this year!

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.