Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so manly not even his sentences have periods

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/

   Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

   watching the biggest loser and eating oreos

   Queen Latifah says she's a lesbian? I was as surprised as every one else that she was a chick.

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   If I had a nickel for every time a girl said, “I'm Over him, I deleted his number & deleted him off Facebook” & then their back together the next day.

   April Fools' Day was the worst day ever to have a heart attack

   Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where you take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends

   Ok I understand Food Stamps are for people who can't afford food. I can't afford GAS where is my fuel stamps???

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   you ever had a girl that was so easy that you felt guilty afterwards?

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives