Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!

   True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.

   Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.