Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.

   No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!

   True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.

   Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.