Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd love to watch Samuel L Jackson and Morgan Freeman get into a heated argument while James Earl Jones tries to stop them.

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.

   If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.

   Facebook has taught me people don't get most jokes unless you put them over a picture and call it a meme.

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

   Sorry, but if your 8-yr-old has the audacity to tell me what color belt he has in karate, I'm obligated to fight him. This is about honor.

   My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."

   Wooden spoon survivor!

   I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

   Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?

   I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   That moment when you want to hit on the bank teller but realize she'll see your bank account balance

   I hope the guy who stole my Debit Card enjoys his $12.69 shopping spree.

   what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.

   Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

   This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"