Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

   Mandatory !! All mask must be worn with capes!

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.