Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did flying babies in diapers wielding Bow & Arrows ever become a symbol of love?!!!

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   They show sex on TV, but radio has 'Bleeps'.......Way to go FCC.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Blackout in India would have been resolved by now but the electricians can't reach tech support.

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   I think I just saw Terrell Owens on Hardcore Pawn.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.

   The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.